


Students of the Shadows

by rosi



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Apprenticeship, Aromantic!Colin Robinson, Babadooks, Biracial Character, Bodyguard!Guillermo, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Found Family, Ghosts, Homelessness, Human/Vampire Relationship, Humor, Necromancy, Roommates, Van Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:02:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25593979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosi/pseuds/rosi
Summary: The vampires have come to recognize familarhood as an outdated concept. Their gallant rescuer, Guillermo, has earned an unexpected promotion and Colin Robinson hires an apprentice to pick up the slack. The gang will have to rewrite the house rules as they take on the undead of NYC and get the smell of rotting flesh out of the carpets.Featuring: Jenna the Unseen, Gecko Mode, and the return of Jesk!
Relationships: Colin Robinson/Evie Russell, Colin Robinson/Original Female Character(s), Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja, Nadja (What We Do in the Shadows TV)/Original Female Character(s), Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	1. Episode 1: Part 1

“Easy, guys, just try to act natural. _Buena noches, amá, dios te bendiga_ ,” Guillermo shouted down the hall before closing his bedroom door. “Take a seat anywhere,” he said to the camera man and boom guy as they inserted themselves into the corners of his childhood bedroom. The sound guy sat on the windowsill and closed the blinds while Guillermo placed the trembling cardboard box on his bed.

“Should we pull the curtain too?” asked Wanda, the first camera. Guillermo nodded while removing his trench coat and taking the crew’s outer layers to place on the infamous ‘clothes chair.’ Returning to the bed, he opened the box and three small black bats erupted from within. They flew around the room, turning one by one into a cloud of blue mist as they transitioned into the most egregious former roommates in living history. A gecko crawled over the edge of the box onto Guillermo’s pillows.

“This is not the graveyard, you said you were taking us to the graveyard!”

“I did, often and loudly,” Guillermo replied, removing a snow globe from Nandor’s hand, and placing it back up on his bookshelf.

“Ah, I see what you did there,” Laszlo said. He dusted a spot on the bed before sitting down opposite Colin Robinson. “You’ve read your Donan Coyle!”

“ _Conan Doyle_ , my darling bafoon,” Nadja corrected. 

“Is that an _Altiplano_ accent I detect from your Mother?” asked Colin.

“Yeah,” said Guillermo. “She’s from the capital.”

“Mexican Spanish has roughly 10 distinct accent types. The central Mexican variety is known for its weak vowels and forceful consonants which is strongly attributed to the influences from Nahuatl,” Colin began. The boom guy leaned into the window frame to rest his eyes.

“Fuck the dialects!” Nandor shouted. “Forgive me, Guillermo, I know you have sensitive ears.”

“I – what?”

“The air here smells of spices. What is this place, Guillermo Buillermo?” Nadja asked.

“Yes, I can not pay you for your services without my money bowl!” said Nandor.

“Okay, first,” Guillermo whispered. “You guys are up here; I need you to bring it down here! My mom has work tomorrow!” The words had barely left his mouth when a family photo from Guillermo’s first communion fell from the dresser, crashing onto the carpet. The boom guy pointed a finger at Wanda. Guillermo rolled his eyes. “Second, I brought you somewhere safe! Trust me, the Vampiric Council barely knows my name, they won’t look for you all here.”

“Lad?” Laszlo asked, raising his hand. “Where is here exactly?”

“Manhattan.”

“Where in Mannahatta?” the Englishman continued.

“My mom’s apartment,” Guillermo said.

“Very good.” Nandor peeped behind the curtain into the blue morning. The sun had yet to rise, but Nandor could see human life bustling under the fog as the mortals emerged from their slumber to engage in their circadian rituals. “Staten Island will be positively crawling with assassins. It would not surprise me if they burned the house down.”

Nadja gasped.

“Don’t worry, Nadja,” said Colin and he stood up. “Our insurance policies are airtight!” The daring temptress smacked her palm against her forehead and groaned in frustration.

“Where do you think you’re going, Colin Robinson?” Nandor asked.

“Well, one of us has a 9-5 to get to, and while I am fully refreshed from that cozy traffic jam, I can’t very well show up to work looking like a pimp!” he said, holding out his arms in reference to his spectacular beige ensemble. The day walker laughed at his own joke as he pulled his cap down over his ears. “I’ll show myself out.”

“Here,” Guillermo said as he walked to his closet and pushed open the accordion door.

“Fancy,” Laszlo said under his breath.

“Take one of these, at least,” Guillermo handed Colin Robinson a single wooden garden stake, stained black at the tip with the blood of the undead. The old school vampires hissed at the sight and Nadja made to cover Laszlo ’s eyes. Colin thanked him and left. Guillermo picked up his gear bag and said, “You guys are welcome to the closet and the bed to sleep. The curtains are light cancelling, so you should be fine. I’ll be on the couch.”

Guillermo held the door open for the camera crew to leave and followed behind them. Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor stood frozen, staring at the door. Their familiar, truthfully their slave, had spent nearly three months serving as their personal guard on top of his regular duties. He had saved their lives countless times, plus one more night, and still had the presence of mind to be, what, polite? The trio had died centuries ago, but surely, they had not lost the ability to understand kindness.

Nadja and Laszlo, went into the closet, hanging upside down in each other’s arms. Nandor closed the door for them and settled on the bed. He pulled his cape over his body like a blanket since Mannahatta was not as warm as his coffin.

* * *

A fresh crew met Colin outside the mansion and helped push the Uber with its sleeping driver into a valid parking zone. They asked him how he remained unshaken by recent events.

“Eh, vampirism is a dangerous career path. Energy vampires, at least, have the foresight to include a unique liability clause in the introductory paperwork-” Colin Robinson had turned onto their property, ready to walk up the driveway when he saw someone standing on the back porch violently knocking on the door. The visitor threw an apple core over their shoulder into the yard and moved to look through the windows, not knowing that were covered in newspaper. Colin looked back at the camera and raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

The figure turned around and trotted down the stairs to meet Colin on the pavement. He was unimpressed by the mortal woman. She was too small to be intimidating. Her stubborn, black curls stuck out from under the hood of her Carhart jacket covering half of her face, so she had to tilt her head back to see him clearly.

“Colin Robinson?” she asked with a smile, reaching to shake his hand.

“Yes,” he said and left her hanging. She put her mitten-clad hand back in her coat pocket.

“My name is Nora. Will you help me kill Evie Russel?”

_Cue theme song._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the deleted scenes from Season 1 has Colin Robinson transform into a gecko, so this weird power IS CANON! Secondly, I am using this OC as an exercise in writing what I know. I am a mixed race and living below the poverty line, so is she. That being said, if anything about her characterization strikes you as problematic please let me know! I am more than eager to learn from this quarantine hobby.


	2. Episode 1: Part 2

“This is the first assassination plot that I have ever participated in,” Colin Robinson said to the camera crew as he held open the Waffle House door for them. The group took two booths by the bathrooms where no one ordinary could hear them.

“Can I get a plate of hash browns, covered and diced…and two coffees?” Nora asked as she handed the waitress their menus. She took off her jacked and stretched her arms above her head. “So, what do you think, Mr. Robinson?”

“It’s a terrible plan.”

“Oh, I know _that!_ But do you think it will work?” she continued, pouring him a cup of coffee which he drank black on principle because he knew it grossed people out.

“I’ve never actually been to Evie’s home. She didn’t go to mine either; it’s important to set up boundaries with coworkers,” he said.

“She was your girlfriend,” she said.

“I prefer sexy, hunting subordinate.”

“That is insufferable. I love it.” she dug into the monstrosity of greasy starches that the waitress tenderly sat in front of her. Nora gave her two thumbs up. “Clearly you didn’t like your sexy-tary enough to keep her around long, even though she’s the most powerful energy vampire in Staten Island which is saying something!”

“I wouldn’t go that far necessarily, but I will humor you. If she is so powerful how are you going to confront her alone?” Colin asked, moving to feel the weapon against his chest. 

“I have a little bit of help,” she admitted, shaking up a cup of creamer. “This necromancer by the community college gave me a few protection crystals and a pack of ear plugs. One of those has to do some good.”

“This is ridiculous,” Colin said taking his hat off and squeezing it in his fists. “I shouldn’t even be talking about this. Vampicide –”

“Not a real word.”

“- Is a serious crime. I would know!” he shouted.

“Is that why you have a stake in your coat?” Nora asked, grinning around the fork pressed to her bottom lip. “I’m not asking for a miracle, Mr. Robinson, just for you to help me, help you.”

* * *

Nandor was having trouble sleeping. This was a new problem. Every day this week it seemed he had to face a new problem. It was very annoying.

Guillermo’s bedroom in Manhattan was twice the size of his room at the mansion, but still not much bigger than a closet. The rug on the ground had a very bright, elaborate pattern that starkly contrasted the dark floors. The walls were mostly bare, but around the window hung Guillermo’s drawings, photos, and diagrams of vampires doing vampire things. Nandor sighed.

Had it truly been eleven years? How long did humans live for again? Life expectancy must have increased since the 13th century, otherwise Guillermo would be dead by now.

Nandor rose from the bed and glided down the hall where he saw his familiar tidying up.

“Guillermo,” he said, startling the old familiar who held up a throw pillow to shield himself. “There is something I would like to discuss with you today,” Nandor said. He sat armchair and gestured for Guillermo to take his place beside him.

“I’ll stand.”

“I want to…” He paused. “I want to apologize on Nadja and Laszlo ’s behalf. And for Colin Robinson. And perhaps myself also.”

_“Perhaps?”_

“I am sorry, dammit!” Nandor shouted, standing back up again. “By treating you like every other familiar we have upset you; It is a difficult job that we make even more difficult! There! What I am trying to say–”

The doorbell rang. There was a pause as Wanda came back inside with the sound guy, Darren. They slept in the truck, afraid to miss anything important.

“What I am trying to say Guillermo is that I no longer want you to be my familiar.” Guillermo dropped the pillow he forgot he was holding. “I would like you to be my…roommate.”

“Will this roommate still do all the chores?” he asked

“I, er, I will have to speak more with the others, but I am sure something can be arranged,” Nandor said. He was never going to hear the end of this from Nadja. “Until then, we will be the most gracious and generous apartment guest Mannahatta has ever seen!”

Guillermo offered the first camera a proud, yet bashful smile before leaving to tape down the curtains in his bedroom. The eager Darren asked Nandor for an interview.

“When I was human, I had to deal with friends dying left and right. I also made other people’s friends die left and right,” Nandor confessed. “My wives were always having children, the children were always growing, my territory in the Ottoman Empire kept being invaded. It has been nearly 800 years and it rarely crosses my mind that not everyone is as relentlessly reliable as I am. How sad for them; and, Guillermo –”

The door burst open. Colin Robinson walked in with a shovel and a human.

“Fucking guy!” Nandor shouted, “Do you not see me here participating in the movie!”

“Pause the movie,” Colin said, taking his hat off. “We mean business.”

“What is all this bloody ruckus? It is not the mating season of the goats!” Nadja screamed as she stomped down the hall. Guillermo followed, thankful that he had found enough thumb tacks to pin the living room drapes against the walls.

“Exactly!” Laszlo shouted as he dropped on the couch in human form. “You sound worse than the crowd at The Globe!”

“Wait, my syrup sandwich! Has Colin brought us a snack?” Nadja asked. “Oh Colin Robinson, almost perishing has made you so thoughtful!”

“True as that may be,” he began and set down his wares. “This human is not food. Nora, everybody. Everybody, Nora.”

“Hello, please don’t touch my hair,” said Nora, dodging Nandor’s over eager hand.

“I would like to call a house, er, apartment meeting,” Colin Robinson said and removed his winter layers. Laszlo groaned and made room on the couch for his wife. Nandor stood by the hallway with Guillermo while Nora sat cross legged in the armchair. Colin stood behind her and made his announcement. “I have found a solution to our present residential crisis. My ex-girlfriend owns some property in Jersey City that we can move into tonight. I cannot promise that it will be very attractive or haunting, as is our style, but it _is_ likely to be more spacious! As you know, the price per square foot for rental properties is much lower in New Jersey.”

“You are on very welcoming terms with your former lover?” Nadja asked.

“Oh no,” Colin said. “We have to kill her on sight, but once Guillermo cleans up her ashes and dumps them in the river no one should ask any questions for at least a month.”

Nadja shrugged.

“That’s all fine and well,” Laszlo said. “Everyone loves a murder, but what does _she_ have to do with it?”

“Yes, Colin Robinson. It is very rude to only bring enough food for one person,” said Nandor.

“Easy,” Nora warned. “I might be a snack, but I’m not food. My name is Eleanora, you guys can call me Nora, and I want to be a vampire.”

Guillermo who had been enjoying this ridiculous dynamic shift until now stopped laughing and moved to confront Colin.  
“What? You can’t be serious! The whole reason you all are stuck here is because they think you killed some vampires! How can you want everyone to throw away their innocence – the last card we have left to play - like that?” Guillermo snapped his fingers.

“Sir?” Guillermo turned around and found himself caught in the net cast by Nora’s deep, dark eyes. “What’s your name?”

“Guillermo.”

“Guillermo,” she said, leaning forward. “I don’t care enough about your vampires to hurt them. I am going to kill Evie Russel and you don’t even have to watch! I just need the directions to her house and a stake.” That hurt him. First, that she blatantly has no respect for his roommate’s lives _and_ that he already has a reputation in the vampire hunter community.

“Well, I’m in!” Nadja stood. “Guillermo, I appreciate your humble lodgings that you offer us dominion over, but we will stain your mother’s walls with each other’s entrails if we stay here. There is a reason Laszlo and I sleep in separate coffins.”

“She snores,” he said to the camera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I miss Waffle House SO MUCH!!! The greasy tables, the jukebox, the chocolate chip waffles *chef's kiss*  
> 2\. I am trying to incorporate the documentary crew as minor characters, but I have no idea how filming works. Do you think it is accurate? Do you think it is clunky and distracting?


	3. Episode 1: Part 3

At dusk, Nadja and Colin Robinson swaggered down the front steps of the apartment complex and onto the cruel streets: fangs bared, capes blowing, and eyes glowing. The duo came to an abrupt stop as a large white utility van pulled up to the curb. Nora waved from behind the window.

Colin took shotgun while the Nadja sat in the back on a small cot lodged between moving boxes. Only one member of the documentary crew could squeeze in with a GoPro. The rest promised to meet them on site.

“Do you like collages, mortal?” Nadja asked. The metal wall beside the cinematographer was decorated with magazine clippings that showed exotic, far away lands like Iceland and Nevada.

“Huh? Oh no,” she laughed as Nadja raked her nails across the Mediterranean. “That’s my vision board! It’s a little silly, but good to have goals, I guess.”

“What is all that back there? Evidence from your other plots?” Colin asked.

“Nah. Mostly just old equipment from work. Witches are hoarders!” Nadja began to voice her objections about working with a witch-lover. “Don’t worry. I got tired of making magnets and quit, but not before I heard the juiciest kidnapping story!”

“Oof, girly, don’t remind me of that devastation!”

“Is that how you found the house?” Colin asked.

“Yeah, the goat brought me to Staten Island,” Nora said with a shudder. “I don’t trust goats. They’re the devil’s watchdogs and don’t let anyone tell you different!”

“Thank you, little curlicue!” Nadja shouted as she inserted herself between the front seats. "I swear, I tell these pig brains everyday to beware the dark magic that keeps us alive, and it goes in one ignorant ear and out their asses! It is like they _want_ to have a curse put on them!”

“Let me guess,” Nora began. “Fortune telling?”

“’Rubbish!’” Nadja answered.

“Ghosts?”

“‘Garbage!’”

“Sacrificial altars?”

“‘Too messy!’ Some people simply do not want to accept the truth!” Nadja concluded. The discussion continued in this manner all the way to Jersey City and Colin fed on their combined irritation. 

The gang arrived at 7:23 pm ready for a Dodge city scene, only to find that Evie Russel lived in a horribly well-lit area, adjacent to the city art school, and a police station. Nadja would keep lookout, circling the building in bat while Nora broke in. Colin approached the entrance to the condominium structure and pressed the pristine button next to Evie’s name card.

Colin winked to the camera crew as he exited the elevator into Evie’s lavish apartment.

“Hello, there, heartbreaker!”

“Evie,” said Colin with a painful smile. “How long has it been?”

“Oh, just four hundred and nine days of crippling loneliness,” she teased and took a sip from her teacup. “I’m barely getting on, but the medications help.”

“They say 18% of Americans will suffer from substance abuse disorder in their lifetimes. However, I read one article where a psychiatrist prescribed controlled methamphetamines to a veteran with PTSD before his therapy sessions and the results were overwhelmingly positive.”

“Colin, I know why you’re here.” He gulped as she touched his arm and guided him into the next room. “You must have heard about my book club! Come in, all the girls from work are already here! We just finished up and are staying late to discuss inaccuracies in _The Glass Castle_ movie for my class. Child abuse rate in the rural South are through the roof these days!”

Meanwhile, Nadja was lifting the soon to be vampire slayer up to third floor. She plopped Nora on the brick ledge so she could see into the target’s home.

“Fuck,” she said. “There’s a crowd!”

“Should I call to the others?” Nadja asked. Nora assured her that they could handle it and inserted her earplugs. Nadja carried Nora two windows down to the bathroom where she jimmied the lock and crawled into the bathtub. The pair crept down the hall to the kitchen’s edge. There they could see Colin Robinson barely holding himself together in a crowd of weeping women as they tore pages from their texts to wipe their eyes.

“It is like an Ancient Greek tragedy,” Nadja remarked. Colin sneezed, the cue for Nadja to sing her hypnotic melodies. But before she could begin, an invisible force catapulted Nadja and Nora across the apartment, pinning them to the coffee table.

“Colin, who are your friends?” Evie asked, waving her hand over their heads.

“Evie, forgive me!” he shouted lunging towards her with the wooden stake only to freeze in mid-air and drop to the floor.

“No! My mascara!” shouted Nadja as tears unwillingly fell down her cheeks. Nora struggled to sit up.

“Evie…Russell…and pals,” Nora panted. “Prepare to meet your maker!”

Evie laughed and the crowd of middle-aged secretaries and teaching assistants joined in.

“Is this one of your students, Evelyn?”

“I wish, Debra! My room is never this energetic!” Evie teased.

“Students?” Colin Robinson asked.

“Yep!” Evie said, taking her seat, smiling as the trio writhed. “I’m an adjunct professor next door. I teach an introductory film course.”

“Of course, you do,” Nora knocked her head against the table.

“Wait! Film? Sad, boring human films is how you feed?” Nadja asked between broken sobs. Evie nodded. “Excellent, my gorgeous banshee! I can assist you, please!”

“Does it look like I need help?”

“Of course not,” Nadja said. “Power flows through your veins like hot lava down the mountainside! But if you want to expand, draw the paranormal community to your abominable lectures, I have an excellent text for you to review!”

Evie looked to her coworkers for advice, who urged their prisoner to continue.

“I own a collection of pitiful, mind numbing vintage vampire pornography that I am willing to trade in exchange for your allegiance to our cause!”

“What cause is that?” asked a frisky grandma.

“Subletting…your…apartment!” Colin cried.

“How vintage?” Evie asked.

“Mid-19th century pictures, _just pictures!_ Before they made them talk!” Nadja answered.

Evie snapped her fingers, releasing her hold on them. Nora rolled off the coffee table onto the pink shag carpet below in the hope it would muffle her whines. Colin continued to wince and stretch beside her. Nadja recovered more quickly than her companions and stood to work out the finer details with the fatiguing vixen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thing got a little action packed this go round! May offer my sincerest apologies to New Jersey and goats everywhere.


	4. Episode 1: Part 4

Second camera, Lou, shot some b-roll as Nadja took notes on the details of their agreement. The contract said that Evie would rent them a warehouse she owned in the meat packing district, in exchange for high quality digital copies of Laszlo’s worst hits. Nora pushed herself off the floor and stormed out the condo.

Colin thought that his head was buzzing from being drained, but it came from the smart phone beside him. The touchscreen displayed an id photo for ‘Moman,’ a selfie showing Nora with a much older woman that shared her full lips and wide set eyes. Colin exited, waving over his shoulder to his ex-something-or-other. 

Outside, Nora kicked the bumper of her van until the back door fell open. She had locked her keys inside. She stepped over the boxes to grab her lanyard from the above the visor along with a lighter for the crew on smoke break. Colin Robinson stood waiting.

“You missed a call from your mom,” he said. Nora took her phone from his hand and threw it on her bed, then handed off the lighter to the boom man.

“Probably for the best,” she said, taking a seat on the edge of the van’s interior.

“Thomas Moore, author of _Utopia,_ first recorded the peasant adage ‘a peny for your thought.’ Then, pennies were worth a considerably larger sum,” Colin explained. “Now, they are practically worthless, barely even made of copper. That means even an old miser like me can ask in good conscience, ‘penny for your thoughts?’”

“What is there to think about? I’m a bankrupt twenty-something with one failed business under my belt living out of her car. Ask anybody,” she said with a wave to the empty streets. “My mind is empty…rock bottom hurts.”

“This isn’t rock bottom,” Colin assured, “just New Jersey.”

“Whoopie! One state over!” said Nora. There was a pause as she made room for Colin to sit beside her, half in and half out of the only protection they had. “I grew up over in the Catskills. My mom and I lived off the grid, trying to keep the summer of love alive. Those pictures over there, were all our plans for when I graduated. We were finally going to go abroad and fill up on life.”

“What happened?”

“Pick a recession, any one will do. Moreover, banks are not fond of giving loans to hippies with associates degrees. It would have taken lifetimes to save up enough money for us to set out on our own,” she admitted, easily giving Evie a run for her money. “My plan, my _big master plan,_ was for us come to the city and earn a few more lifetimes.”

“It was never about Evie, just E.V.’s. We live forever, yet are uninhibited by traditional vampire policies,” Colin said, beginning to understand the sky-high readings on his weirdo-meter from the past twenty-four hours. 

“My mom has been a necromancer in Montreal for three years and I’ve run afoul of almost every magical training program in the tri-state area.”

“Even the zombies?” he asked.

“You mean the sweat shop of the living dead? Hell, yeah!” Nora let out an empty laugh and crawled back to the driver’s seat. “You can get in, Mr. Robinson. I’m pissed, but that doesn’t mean I won’t drive you guys home.”

“My clan, so to speak, doesn’t come very highly recommended by the local familiar unions, but we _are_ vampires,” he stated matter-of-factly. He hoped to finish their conversation before Nadja came down.

“I’ve seen how you treat Guillermo; think I’ll pass,” she said.

“Guillermo works for Nandor, a medieval tyrant who forgets to blow out his candles at night. You would be working for me,” he countered. “It will take a few days to draw up a contract and I can’t promise you any insurance benefits. However, you will receive room, board, and minimum wage. That’s more than most universities offer!”

* * *

The ride back is never the same. This time it was silent out of respect for the sleeping camera crew who used the last of their energy to record the following voice over from Colin Robinson: “I might not look like it, but I had quite a rebellious stage in my youth. I had a ponytail, lied about reading online terms and agreements; it was a dark time in my life. Part of living indefinitely is seeing the world around you grow and adapting to it. So, if I can help one person grow, then I know I have done my part to make Earth a little more chaotic and, thus, easier to manipulate. Isn’t that beautiful?”

When the three almost assassins, stumbled back into Sra. De La Cruz’ apartment the only thing on their mind was sleep. Before they could get down the hall to Guillermo’s room and its cozy corners, they were confronted by the boys that they left behind.

“Nadja, my tigress, look at this masterpiece!” Laszlo held up a construction paper chore wheel written all over in elegant calligraphy that detailed a new weekly schedule for keeping the house in order.

“You did a great job, but I’m afraid you will have to adjust it,” Colin said with a shit-eating grin. “Afterall, I wouldn’t want my new apprentice to feel left out.”

Nadja finally collapsed from exhaustion and Guillermo tore the paper in two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this one is so short! In the future, I'll probably just stick to three part "episodes," but the original plans I made for this first installment was divided into fourths and led me here.


	5. Episode 2: Part 1

“We’ve been on the run for about two weeks now, but I’m not that bothered by it since I’m getting paid for the first time in eleven years,” Guillermo to the interviewer as he folded the laundry. “We did have to put a pin in the chore wheel, though. I think they had forgotten what’s _supposed_ to happen when you die, so moving the corpses around when they went for their stuff was a _visceral experience_ to say the least.”

“Nandor fainted,” Nora said, walking through the front door with the groceries. Evie’s warehouse was the same size as the mansion but lacked one important feature most homeowners prefer: walls. The entire first floor served as the living room, lounge, library, kitchen, and staff accommodations. In the four corners of the upper walkway sat the family coffins. These days even Colin Robinson slept in a spare pine box. Nora had boarded up the windows and tried her hand at decorating with a few brightly colored rain tarps that also kept the room from leaking.

She sat the canvas bags down on the folding table and began to unpack her wares: chalk markers, duct tape, red yarn, an envelope of developed photos from the CVS, and a whole sale sized box of _Tide To-Go Pens_. Guillermo took the pictures to the adjacent wall and began lining them up with underlined names, connected to a web of dates, victims, hits, misses, and home addresses that would put Detective Munch to shame.

“Do you like hunting vampires more as a team, Guillermo?” Nora asked.

“We’re not a team!” Guillermo warned waving a finger in the air. “And we aren’t hunting vampires!"

“Sure,” she said. “This is just the supernatural equivalent of internet stalking your ex.”

“How does the internet work Nora?” asked Colin Robinson as he walked over from the pantry, though many would argue that three mugs, a hot plate, and a jar of Folger’s instant does not a kitchen make.

“Y’know, space and math and cables on the ocean floor that poison the coral reefs!”

“I’ll add _Ada’s Algorithm_ to the reading list,” he said. “Have we found anyone on this coast yet?”

“Brad was supposed to fly into Atlanta for a movie, but the hurricane pushed back production,” Guillermo sighed and moved his headshot to the bottom of the diagram. “Almost everyone else is out of the country.”

“What about Simon the Devious? We didn’t see him at the performance,” Colin offered.

“Because no one likes him,” Guillermo said. “Also...nevermind.”

“What about them?” Nora asked and pointed to a blurry snapshot of shot of a LARPer in the park.

“That’s an old photo,” Guillermo said. “No one’s seen Jenna months - literally.”

“She turns invisible,” Colin said to his apprentice. “Invisibility is one of the rarer vampire abilities but considering that Nadja turned her it doesn’t surprise me.”

“Is Nadja very powerful?” Nora asked.

“I mean sure. I was mostly just getting at the fact she’s weird.” Guillermo nodded in agreement. Colin continued, “Frankly I’m not impressed. Vampires, especially psychic vampires, can blend in with humans easily if they try hard enough. But even then, we have no reason to do so. We’re discreet hunters and, if all else fails, we can hypnotize people. It’s really a useless power if you think about it.”

“No one asked you!” Jenna shouted at their backs as she seemingly manifested from nowhere. Guillermo screamed while Nora, turned around and threw her coffee on the poor, unsuspecting immortal.

“Quiet! It is barely seven o’clock!” Nadja screamed from the balcony, ready to fire off another idiosyncratic insult until she saw her old friend. “Jenna, my rancid little gumdrop, is that you?”

She flew down to her former fledgling and swept her up in a bear hug.

“Speak of the devil, am I right?” Colin said.

“I see no devils here, Colin Robinson, just the sweetest bat in the sky!” Nadja assured her roommates as she pinched Jenna’s cheeks. “How have you been? Where have you been? How many men have you slayed?”

“Oh, just a handful,” Jenna said, taking a dry dish towel from Nora to pat her clothes.

“Sorry about that,” said Nora.

“I didn’t mean to startle you guys. I just thought it would be a nice surprise.”

“It is a perfect surprise, my good, unseen Jenna!” Nadja smiled and sat her down at the table. “Jenna, this is Colin’s new pet! She is responsible for our lovely, just tolerable lodgings.”

“Apprentice,” Nora corrected, choosing to ignore the back handed compliment.

“Are you just here for a visit?” Guillermo asked. “We’re a little busy.”

“Actually, I heard about the Vampire Theater fiasco,” Jenna said. “My roommates say that they were the victims of a home invasion that killed some of their guests, but it wasn’t vampicide. It was just some nerdy incels or whatever.”

Guillermo stiffened and cast a knowing look at the camera.

“They feel really bad about what happened,” Jenna said.

“ _Who_ does darling? Where are you staying?” Nadja asked.

“Well, I went on tour with some of my orchestra friends,” she explained. “A lot of band kids end up as vampires. And when I came back, they introduced me to the Wallace’s. They call themselves the ‘Hustle Dynasty.’ Their music taste is questionable, but they’re really nice! And they said that they want to help you!”

“That is wonderful! Guillermo, do you hear? Now you can stop making your spooky spider webs!”

“Yeah, all they want in return is gruesome vengeance on those who took the immortal lives of their relatives!” Jenna said quickly as she avoided her companions’ gaze.

“See, that is less than ideal,” said Nora.

“I tried to tell them that violence won’t bring them any true emotional catharsis,” Jenna cried. “But they just called me a softie and started ranting about the Eleven Years War!”

Nadja looked at the feeding Colin Robinson. The house vampires knew the details Guillermo’s involvement with the family. Nora, however, was only aware of the broad strokes which worked in their favor today. 

“Nora, how about you stay here and talk to Jenna about her times as a changeling. It could help you with your studies!” she said, with a sickly-sweet smile. She stood and pushed her roommates toward the spiral staircase. “Colin, basement! Guillermo, get the boys!”

“Is everything okay?” Jenna asked.

“Probably okay as it anything ever is around here,” Nora answered.

* * *

“We are not letting her lead Guillermo into the belly of the funky beasts!” Nandor shouted.

“We _are_ beasts, Nandor!” Laszlo argued.

“We are _nice_ cursèd beasts like what the Disney men made!”

“I won’t let my wife live in danger because you’ve gone soft!”

“Oh, I am sure she is used to putting up with soft things!” Nandor pushed Guillermo behind him and hissed at Laszlo who demanded he retract his insult.

“Oh, would you assholes stop whining!” Nadja sighed. “Laszlo, baby, you know I love you. “Nandor, we do not want to kill your little friend, but we need to help Jenna. Don’t you want to move back home? See your library? The stair-master?”

Nandor paused and hugged Guillermo against his chest like a child with a teddy bear. Had Guillermo not been on the verge of panic, he would have savored this moment in the warrior’s arms. He smelled like a bonfire on an autumn night. If Nandor could still enjoy human food, he would be all over pumpkin spice lattes.

“Those vampires, I, y’know,” Guillermo made a throat slitting motion, “I didn’t do it alone.”

“Guillermo!” Nandor held him at arm’s length. “You have learned to make clones like Colin Robinson?”

“No, you dung beetle! He took the camera crew!”

“Thank you, Nadja. I spent some time last year as…a double agent. I infiltrated a group of vampire hunters to prevent them from attacking you guys,” Guillermo said, hoping to make himself appear grave with the limited facts in his story.

“Why do they want to kill us?” Laszlo asked. “We’ve got five bats on RateMyMaster! Ask our familiars!”

“You don’t have any living familiars,” Colin pointed out.

“Jenna’s old roommate wants you dead for turning her. Everyone else was just in it for sport,” Guillermo explained.

“This is terrible,” Laszlo spat. “The whole idea just gives me the heebie jeebies.” Nadja patted his shoulder and asked if Guillermo could locate them again.

“Maybe,” he said. “But that doesn’t change the situation. The Wallaces will still want to kill them. They aren’t like me; they aren’t _real_ vampire killers. Their just idiots who dove in too deep. You can be killed for acting stupid, but you can’t kill people for _being stupid_!”

“Gizmo, old chap,” Laszlo countered. “Either you go, or they do. We don’t have a choice.”

“NO!!” The company turned around to see Nora halfway down the stairs. She intended to inform her house mates that Jenna had went out for a bite to eat, but curiosity got the best of her. So, she slid down the metal railing in a slow, winding circle until she could hear the argument taking place. Colin had noticed her right away and she held her index finger up to her lips.

Gone now, was the coy young woman. In her place stood the mighty Lorax, speaker of the trees and silly mortals who really ought to have minded their business.

“There’s always a choice!” She insisted, rushing down the stairs. “I can look past your appetite, no one deserves to go to sleep with an empty stomach, but this is wrong. This is wrong and you know it. They’re innocent.”

“No one is innocent!” Nandor said, rolling his eyes.

“Tell me about that Nandor. Tell me about the citizens in the villages you burned. Tell me about the widows you made and the lives you cut short,” Though she spoke softly, her world were no less sincere. Her words stung the burly soldier as her big eyes, usually so bright and warm, looked sternly up at him to demand justice.

Nadja watched the short, Rubenesque newcomer chastise her friend and smiled.

“That was different.” Nandor toed the floor with the tip of his boots and put his hands behind his back.

“You’re absolutely right,” Nora said. “Because _this_ is not turning into _that._ ”


End file.
